Dear friend,

One of the hardest things I had to do was let go of something I didn’t know I was holding onto.

It’s funny what things we hold onto, or the thoughts we remember.

How sweet conversation blossoms into a carnival of emotions.

Sometimes people let you down and it isn’t their fault. Sometimes the timing is off, or the the person isn’t ready, and the circumstances simply allow it to be so.

And then you think you let it go. You forgive, forget, and make passive attempts to move forward. But you leave all remnants of the past on the bottom of your sleeve, invisible but still present.

The week I was leaving for Texas for a wedding, my mom bought me a new phone, leaving me with choice I didn’t know I’d have to make.

I could transfer the old things–contacts, photos, notes, or I could start fresh.

I chose to start fresh, to keep the things that mattered in the present, and let all else fall into the past.

But it wasn’t what I transferred to my new phone that startled me, but what I had to do to my old phone. I needed to donate my old phone–meaning fleeting words–words that ought to not have been spoken, and things that held meaning to me– had to be deleted.

I didn’t know letting go of the past was something I still needed to do.

If I had to summarize my love life this past year in 5 words, it would be: I held out for him.

…I waited and he never came back for me. Our picture is the only reminder that things were real.

I didn’t deserve it, but at the same time I understood as I understand now. He wasn’t ready. He went through something life-changing in the time we knew each other other, and it changed his mind. But I waited for him to be who I wanted him to be… I didn’t give up on him after months of no contact. And when I thought I’d let go, I didn’t do so…not entirely though I thought I had.

Some small part of me waited. I thought nothing of the saved conversations, or the photos until I realized I couldn’t keep them. Photos, yes. But the messages, no, and I was forced to zip up the past.

I couldn’t delete the words without finding closure, which would come from knowing that what we had was real, and it was finally time to move on. So I took out my journal and began reflecting upon all I had left from the past. Rather than writing each thing down verbatim, which could be read over and over as a memory like it was on my phone, I wrote my present reflections of how I felt about what he said to me in the past, making present thoughts more relevant than past ones.

New chapters shouldn’t repeat the same themes and lessons as the last.

And if it’s not too much, I’d like to share how I closed my journal’s letter towards my past friend (in a letter that will never be sent). I wrote:

It took a lot out of me to delete our messages. A part of me was still hoping I suppose, but I can’t be my best self if I’m holding onto a not-ready you. I can’t move forward if I’m okay with broken promises and okay with being left. It took a lot of courage to let you in and still–I’m glad I did. Our time was worth hoping for. But I know I can’t wait for you to fulfill promises you made back then. I can’t keep waiting for a man who couldn’t hold onto me like he said he wanted…I hope you’ll remember how amazing I knew you to be and that I truly wish you the very best.

Friend, if you are still holding onto a relic of the past, maybe a thought or conversation, or a token of a reminder, I want you to remember that you are worth kept promises and fulfilled dreams. Let go of fruitless walks through memory lane, or instant replays of scenes with people who no longer exist in your present. You are worth more than wandering through the past, because walking towards the future is the only way to step into the wonderful and storybook future God has for you.

Love, Mallory Elizabeth